Today I want to talk to you about something deeply personal: what I am not good at.

It’s easy to know what you are good at. You’ve probably gotten compliments about it or learned from taking skills inventories. I know I offer many positives: I am a creative person. I am really optimistic. I am enthusiastic. I have tons of good ideas.

 

But the thing I am not good at is going into the details and staying there. I’ve known this for a while, since my first skills inventory many years ago. So I knew that details would be a challenge for me when they came up.

 

Does that mean I do not pay attention to the quality of what I do or to the excellence of what I deliver? Not at all. Everyone has a blind spot or a weakness. The more you are aware of yours, the better you can cope. And the less they will actually operate like weaknesses.

Build A Strategy for Each Weakness

For me, when I get to a place where I need to delve into details, it takes me a great deal of energy. Therefore, I am reluctant to do this. I definitely enjoy it less than when I am in the creative realms and can jump all over. Yes, I can do it but need to focus much more. So how do I cope?

 

When you have assessed that there is something that you are not good at, find a system. Find the processes you need to close that gap for you. No, I don’t have to actually learn to be detail-oriented. I need to build systems that compensate for not being detail-oriented. When I am working with my clients, for instance, I have processes that practically do that “for” me.

 

Today I have systems set up to tell me where I have to be and when, and I have all the forms necessary in my office, ready to go. I can easily pull open drawers and find the things I need when I need them. All because I don’t want to get into the details.

 

Yes, the first time I implemented these processes, it took extra energy and time. But today the processes that I put in place actually help me to spend more time working from my strengths. These strategies save me time (and therefore money) because I used to lose a lot of time to my weaknesses.

Find a Complementary Partner, Get Help, or Delegate It Out

Working with partners is yet another powerful solution. Many of the people I connect well with are very detail-oriented. I’m the one with the creative mind, the big-picture vision, and the drive to move beyond what we are seeing now. These partnerships are wonderful and work out really well because we each bring different skill sets to the table. They focus on details, I focus on vision. The integration is great.

 

There is no reason today to hide that you have weaknesses or even what those might be. Today I simply am up front about my blind spots, telling people that if you draw me into details, you might lose me. Make it creative, make it interesting, or take it slowly.

 

This isn’t always possible, however, and I understand. If I do have to get into nitty-gritty details, then I can get help. I can get an attorney to read contracts for me. I have an editor to proof my English writing. I have an assistant make my appointments.

 

Straight-up delegation is a great option for managing what you are not good at. Work with someone on the issues you struggle with. Or even completely delegate them out to someone with a strength in the area of your weakness.

 

Thanks for listening today. I encourage you to share what you are not good at with my audience. Go ahead and post it right there in the comments.

 

The intention is, by sharing your struggles with others, you can take a realistic look at what you need in order to cope with this shortcoming. Do you need to partner with someone? Hire help? Or delegate it out?

 

I hope you do get the support you need to fill this gap and make this segment of your life easier. Don’t let your weaknesses drain your time and energy. Your strengths are what you share best with the world.

 

Today’s topic is: how do I get clients? I have been asked this question so many times by clients as well as by coaches who follow me!

Several years ago when I started my business, I assumed, as a former corporate executive, that I needed to use all the usual corporate marketing tools in my business. I invested heavily in marketing, acquiring a website, brochures, banners, thousands of business cards, and supplies to create even more of these materials.

Now that I’m in business, I’ve discovered that none of this is what attracts clients. Instead, what actually brings people in the door is simply this: being yourself and being authentic. That’s it—simply sharing what you do and being genuinely “you” while you do that.

Selling Yourself Simply Means Being Yourself

When I started my business I was not very confident about being an entrepreneur and being a business owner. I had no idea how to sell myself and felt uncomfortable at the idea of it. I was super good at selling and negotiating anything else, but not myself.

One day in 2013 or so, I attended a program with Moni Battista. She really helped me to understand that we each have the opportunity today to attract the right clients from our own “tribe,” just by being ourselves and being authentic.

Since that program, everything has shifted for me. My marketing has changed completely. While I was once too shy to consider doing videos, today I’m recording these videos because I really want you to get to know me. This is one way I bring clients in just by being myself. And without feeling uncomfortable or sales-y, I am actually selling my services. You can do this too!

Make the Time for Relationship-Building

To be authentically me, I’m also practicing what I preach with my clients: being authentic, believing in myself, and understanding that I have to create relationships in business and that those relationships have to be nurtured. When I make the time for relationship-building (and even as I enjoy it), it pays off in the long run: many, many of my clients are referred to me by other satisfied clients.

When you deliver quality service—my executive coaching services expose my clients to the greatness of who they can be and help them get there, or I help them understand how their organization can generate more profit—then people will definitely hire you.

This is a pretty simple formula: good service plus authenticity equals more clients, especially by referral. You can read as many books as you want about marketing, and they can be helpful for tweaking this formula to your business or situation, but this formula is the core of my marketing.

Brand Yourself

Of course, set an image for your brand and consistently embody that. Diane Diaz, whom I was honored to have as a guest on my podcast “Planting the Seeds of Change,” talks about how you create a brand that’s authentic and that’s you.

From the mindset perspective, it’s about first removing that negative self-talk in your head. Next comes being consistent about your branding, consistent about your message, and consistent about how you want to be perceived. Sometimes we behave in a way that’s not truly supporting who we are. It’s important for us to discover this. You begin by uncovering who you are and owning the unique brand of “you.” Then deliver authentically that business slice of you that you want people to see.

 

For me, this strategy has generated the most clients. I speak at different events to get known, then it’s about being authentic and sharing content. It’s about sharing my passion for what I do, and my passion for the clients I am serving today. I love building emotionally intelligent leaders who can provide outstanding employee experiences, and my enthusiasm shows, so it’s fairly easy as well.

This Strategy Even Works for Executives

I hope you will be able to apply these ideas to yourself and your career—and to your organization as well.  Many executives I work with have issues that look like entrepreneurs’. They also are looking for clients. They are also “selling themselves” to teams or other executives (or other companies). They need to “market” themselves and their ideas. This is where they want to be their most authentic, provide top-quality service and share their enthusiasm.

When you express yourself genuinely about what you love doing, then you will attract the best people, the best clients, and the best organization in your life. May it be so for you!

A Lack of Decision Paralyzed Me

At the time, I had been in a relationship with a man for eight years—in France. I was traveling back and forth regularly while doing a lot of work in the United States. Although I had applied for a green card, he was not ready to move to the US, not even considering the opportunity! (Today he is my fiancé, and we have been together for 17 years in total, so this story has a happy ending.)

When my green card arrived, I realized I had a very difficult and complex choice to make. It was overwhelming, however, and I spent a lot of time weighing my options and going in circles. Do I choose him and continue the life we had built in France? Or do I follow my dream and move to the US permanently? You could say I was paralyzed with all my options and potential outcomes.

Because it was such a complicated decision, I was getting coaching at the time, following my job loss. Although I thought I knew the value of coaching, it turned out that having the support of a coach to help me figure out this huge decision made all the difference. While I spun my wheels, she helped me to understand that I could actually have both the man and the new country. I could make things work!

Meanwhile, my physical paralysis had slowly come on. For a couple of months I went from doctor to doctor trying to figure out why I couldn’t walk. Nobody could figure out what was going on. There was no physical reason for it.

As you may have guessed, the fear, the emotions and the mental exhaustion that I was experiencing in my internal debate—about what I should do and what I could do, what I would lose and what I would gain—seriously impacted my health.

I want to encourage any of you who are experiencing exhaustion due to an internal conflict or a difficult decision, to seek someone to support you from the outside. Don’t stay stuck in a place where you can’t see a solution. One solution will manifest at a time.

What happened was very simple. My executive coach and I had a conversation with my fiancé. I told him this was my dream and that I would love to be able to explore living here for a few months or a few years to see how this would work out. He was open to it! We agreed to visit each other every six weeks.

And it did work out. When he came to visit me here, he realized that this could be an opportunity for him as well, not only to learn English but to develop new skills and explore a new culture.

Fast forward 10 years: we are still in the US. He moved here when he was able to get his own green card, four years after I moved here, and we have been very happy.

A Second Opinion Is Indispensable

That fear affected me very deeply, and I never want to find myself in that position again—actually paralyzed by fear. I dearly hope that if you are experiencing this degree of stress, or you are fearful of a great decision you must make in your life, please do consult with others. Check in with your friends. Or consult with a coach—of course working with a professional coach can help. Coaches have been trained for exactly this kind of situation, and often have years of experience helping people move through decisions with ease.

However you choose to get help, do make sure you are supported. When you support you, the universe will support you too.

I wanted to share here how a frightening period of indecision impacted my health and may be affecting your own health. And I wanted you to know that you often have the solution inside of you already. Though it may not feel like it, emotions can be managed and I hope you saw in my case how so much can shift by firmly making the decision.

Several years ago, I learned how to push through fears by walking through one of the biggest that I have experienced in my life—one that actually physically paralyzed me for a couple of months.

In 2005, I was let go from an organization that didn’t feel I was in alignment with its values any longer because I refused to do something that was illegal (so they were correct!) Though I had been very successful there—one of their top performers and the only female at this executive-level position—I decided that I would not fight. And, though it is never pleasant to lose your job, I managed all right through that ordeal.

A few weeks later, I received notification that my green card was approved. That was good news on many levels, yet this is when fear struck, and struck hard. Not only had I just lost everything (it seemed) my career, status and income, I was facing a new and extremely difficult decision to make about whether to move or not.

When I made my choice, in fact, my symptoms almost entirely disappeared. It took only a few days for me to be able to walk again, to wake up in the morning and be able to actively live my life again. I hope this insight has been useful to you.

If you want to share your stories about monumental or difficult decisions you’ve made, I’d love to hear them in the comments. And if I can support you in making decisions easier, please contact me. Have a wonderful day.

Day 23:

The 7 levels of consciousness can pertain to yourself as an individual as well as to your business, organization or team.

 

What is important to understand is that RIchard Barrett created the Value Center in London, UK, about 25 years ago. He is exploring values. As an executive coach, I have become certified in his cultural transformation tools since 2012. I use the model to explain to my clients how they can reach a higher potential or higher level of consciousness, not only for themselves but for the business they are running or the team they are leading. Let’s take a look at this tool.

1. Survival

Level 1 is similar to the base of Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs. Whether you are an individual, or you are leading an organization or team, this level is simply survival mode. You are trying to establish that you or your company are sustainable, that you are safe, and that all of your basic needs for survival are met.

2. Relationship / Conforming

When you have checked all the bare-minimum boxes related to sex, safely, security and other foundations of life, you begin to develop relationships. Level 2 teams or businesses are building relationships between team members, or a coach or executive is creating relationships with her clients to build a sustainable stream of clients that can continue the viability of her venture or organization.

 

At an individual level, it’s very similar. When you have covered your basic survival needs, you start to move outward and interact with others to create relationships.

3. Self-Esteem / Differentiating

This level is about self-esteem, starting to build an ego that can stand on its own. This level is about knowing that we don’t have to be defined by others and understanding who we are as individuals. That means knowing our values, where we are, and owning who we are being as well. We begin to focus on the things that are really important for us in our life.

 

From an organizational standpoint, Level 3 is about knowing you have a place in the market, that your team has a solid foundation, and you are starting to think about processes and about performance. We are trying to automate as much as possible to focus on our core business. It’s the stage where you have typically established a brand and are in a place to look outward to the next step with continuous learning and improvement.

 

When I coach female executives, I most often meet women at level 2 or 3. They are usually transitioning from one role to another to gain a higher position or transitioning out of an organization and sometimes even opening their own business. Financial stability and security has been reached and they are creating the self-esteem and confidence level to pursue their individual life.

4. Transformation Mode (Adjustment, Improvement and Growth)

Level four of an org or individual is where we have owned who we are, we have all the foundations and are ready to ge to the next level, confident that we want to continue to learn. In this space, you will find people looking to find synergies, looking for creativities, innovation and expanding. It’s not only about the product that we have, but how do we get it to the next level, adjusting it for our audience, improving upon it.

 

At level 4 for individuals, it’s about how do you own your own personal brand and how do you make it evolve and make sure you continue to move forward with your career and continue as well to grow as an individual. It works as well for personal development. Who do I want to be now that I have reached my goals, what are the next steps? It’s really challenging the status quos in high energy level. Not because we have to but because we want to and we see the benefits of continuing to grow.

 

5. Internal Cohesion Mode (Partnerships, Reaching Out)

 

Level 5 is really a level where we are creating more partnerships outside of ourselves and our organizations. You feel comfortable here about everybody winning. It’s not about you or the other person but about collaboration and co-creation. Evaluating how you compete with others instead of competing against others. This is a place where you expand outward. You are expanding yourself or your products toward the community and assessing how you can make an impact or a difference.

 

6. Making a Difference Mode

 

Level six gets really interesting. Here we are getting into the realm of not only making a difference but a high-impact difference. Not only in our org but in the community or on the planet. It’s more about looking for sustainability and enriching the community as well and taking stands on positions related not only on business but to politics and issues that affect more than us.

 

On an individual level, you are not only being involved in the community but you are taking the lead to see how we can impact the community at large and the world.

 

7. Service Mode

 

This is the level of service, the level that has nothing to do with organizations. The org is just a mean to an end. Supporting an ecosystem. We are fully integrated in the system and we are not thinking any more about our own well-being of an individual or the wellbeing of our org because it’s well taken care of. So now it’s only about serving others, serving the world, and serving the community we are a part of.

Raise the Bar for Your Level of Consciousness

I hope this will help you evaluate better where you are and at which stage you are in your personal life or your career, your relationship or within your organization. If you find yourself limited at some point, it doesn’t mean that everything has to be perfect. I have had clients at level 4, continuous learning and improvement, who are also struggling with limiting beliefs or values related to money. So we really need to help you remove this background noise that is still limiting you so that you can continue to raise the bar and raise your level of consciousness without being distracted.

 

I hope you have found this interesting and that it helps you. I hope you will use this model for yourself, and to evaluate where you are with your business and what needs to be done to to get to the next level and continue to make you successful.

Time management is a valuable skill we can each continuously improve upon. I wanted to share three proven tips to help you improve your productivity. These tips have helped me immensely and changed the lives of my coaching clients. I invite you to implement one this week.

1. Don’t Let Your Inbox Own You: Set Limits

You likely receive tons of emails every day (I know I do). At the same time, you may be engaged in revenue-generating activities all day, such as meeting with clients like a salesperson, coach or executive does, or working in a fast-paced environment where you need to focus. It’s important to regain control of one of the biggest time drain: your email inbox.

A few years ago when I took my executive coaching practice solo, I decided to set expectations for others and limit the time that I would be available to respond to emails. (If you’ve received an email from me, you might see it in my footer.) I realized that if I didn’t do this, I had a tendency to check emails frequently and get distracted by all those popup notifications, losing my focus while working on a project or with a client.

By clearly setting the expectation for others that I would answer emails only at 11am and 4pm each day, I freed myself from the distraction of my inbox for the remaining time. I removed all the email notifications on my cell phone and computer. This move has been a life-changer. My clients and prospects understand why I may be delaying my response, and they know when they can expect a reply. There is no stress or uncertainty on either side. This strategy is good for everybody!

2. Choose Your Activities by Importance

Tip #2 came to me from Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He helps us choose where to put our energy, and has divided everyday tasks into four quadrants. Highly important and urgent ones are “firefighter mode” tasks. You should only have a couple of these a week. With my most of my clients, however, I’m seeing they have dozens of firefighter tasks a week!

The key to managing that problem comes in the second quadrant, “Important but not Urgent.” These tasks include maintenance, planning and organization—things that we should be doing to make sure we don’t trigger any firefighter events. Perhaps an oil change for your car or scheduling the next six months of staff meetings.

Considering the bigger picture and assessing your goals ahead of time is another example. This to-do is important, but you have to set your own deadline. Surprisingly, I’ve noticed many executives and leaders starting the year without setting up weekly, quarterly and annual goals. They may set performance goals at work, but they don’t have practical goals to reach their ultimate life goals. I highly encourage you to complete this crucial planning task each year to avoid having to put out fires.

The remaining two quadrants include tasks that are not urgent and not important. These activities are distractive or do not add any value to your work, like social media. If they need to get done, it might be a good thing for you to delegate these. You want to be in control here.

Today I see people with their phones on at all times, even in meetings. It may not be all bad, but it’s important to choose your time wisely. On my cell phone, I have eliminated notifications for social media and email. I’ve uninstalled facebook and am only using it in personal time.

You may be surprised by how much more time you can find for yourself and how much more productive you will feel without disruptions and notifications popping in. Did you know it can take up to 10 minutes to fully refocus on a task after you have been interrupted? Imagine how much time you will save each day to do things you love!

3. Align Your Work with Your Energetic Peaks and Valleys

When do you hit your peak thinking time? When do you tend to feel tired? Understanding your energy peaks and valleys allows you to match your work (and type of work) to your energy levels. This shift will help you be more productive, saving time.

We all have energetic peaks and valleys; they are not good or bad. And we are not all wired the same way. Some people like to wake up early, others like to work late. It’s only a problem if you don’t know how you operate.

What I suggest to my coaching clients is to “take their temperature” a few times a day for a week. When they wake up, ask themselves, “Am I high-energy, low-energy or mid-energy? What am I up for at this time?” Re-ask this question at regular intervals during the day and jot it down. Very quickly, my clients realize they do have regular patterns.

Based on your results, when you are at your energy peak, you will want to focus on strategic projects and more complex tasks. You will be able to get them done faster and more easily and maybe even with better results. Doing a complex project at a time when you are at an energetic low point may take you 2, 3, even 4 times longer to accomplish.

When you build an awareness of how your physiology likes to work, then you can take the opportunity to schedule meetings, tasks, and projects in a way that takes advantage of those cycles. And yes, I understand that those of you who work with teams and external factors (such as children or family) cannot always schedule things when you are at your best every time.

When you become aware of your highs and lows, you can prepare. You might fuel yourself before a low-point meeting by eating a snack of nuts or protein bar to give you a burst of energy. It’s about managing your energy to manage your productivity and thus manage your time.

I’ve recommend these three tips because I’ve been using them myself and sharing them with my executive coaching clients for a while now, to rave reviews. Implementing even just one of these strategies can change your life by changing how you are managing your time. Let me know how it goes for you!

Today’s topic is important for executives and entrepreneurial leaders—and anyone working to achieve goals or make a smooth change or transition in their life.

Jim Rohn tells us that we are defined by the five people we spend the most time with. That’s a serious consideration. To ensure that we’re being successful, we usually ask ourselves: on what do I spend my time? He suggests we ask: with whom do I spend my time?

It’s an interesting exercise to look at the people in our near social and career circles. Who are your top five in terms of time spent together? Consider their level of energy and positivity. Consider their motivations towards you, and their emotional intelligence. Whether you want to or not, you will be heavily influenced by those people and their attitudes.

Seek Emotional Intelligence, Flexibility and Support

Change can be hard for people—especially when others change. Too often, our loved ones prefer us to stay the same way. Suppose today you decide to make a change in your career. Even if you have an idea of what you want to pursue, if you don’t gather the right people around you, you may end up discouraged and decide again to stay where you are.

I’m not saying you have to discard all your friends or associates, but you have to mindfully surround yourself with the supportive people relative to new your project or endeavors. You want to ensure your success by gathering the right energy around you. You want models of emotionally intelligent leaders.

A few years ago, I went through this exercise. I realized that a few of the people in my life loved me (I can’t say that they didn’t) but they also wanted me to stay the same. I was ready for a change that would help me blossom and grow into a fuller version of myself. But they were afraid to see me making the changes I was making. I had to develop new friendships with people who were supportive and uplifting about my changes.

Today in my life, that is still my experience. In the past 6 years, the people around me have changed a great deal. I still have my old friends, but my social circles have progressed naturally to a place where I’m surrounding myself with more and more people who lift me up and inspire me. They have the right energy to support not only my new lifestyle but my elevated vision and the belief system that I have developed over the past few years.

Minimize Naysayers or Complainers

If you find people in your close network who are naysayers or complainers, you might become one of them. It’s a risk you have to look at. You might be affected or even defined by them, even

Many people have asked me how I have the energy to be involved in so many activities, excel on so many fronts, at all hours of the day, and get so much done. And help my clients to do the same: to maintain their energy so they can be more productive.

High energy levels and clear thinking are crucial to building your success or to making a smooth change or transition.For myself, I have many interests and my curiosity ranges across many topics, so I need to be ready for anything! Here is a quick peek at my daily routine.

My top priority is the foundation of being, taking care of my physical body. To me that means integrating nutrition and exercise. Next comes the mind—making sure it’s clear and that I feel grounded at the start my day. I do believe it’s my job to model for my clients the health and mindset of an emotionally intelligent leader. That should be part of the job for any leader.

I’m not perfect. You can insert the word “usually” into these descriptions. But this routine is my daily goal and habit now, and I’m loving the results!.

Physical Routine

1. Morning Run. Each morning I wake up and go for a run, for about 25-30 minutes. I’ve been doing this since October now, and it feels energizing. It helps me check on my energy levels and get them started.

 

2. Morning Green Shake. When I get home, I create and drink a super green shake or vegetable smoothie. I make them most often with dandelion, spinach, and other greens along with flaxseeds to help me keep my energy up for the entire morning.

 

3. Protein at Lunch. As a vegetarian, I need to be quite careful of the levels of vitamins that I’m getting and the quality of the protein that I’m eating as well. Lunchtime is when I am to get the types of protein that you can find in a plant-based diet.

 

I can feel how this one-two punch of greens in the morning and then protein at lunch helps me to keep my body healthy and feeling good. It’s important to maintain your physical vehicle, in order to be productive and energetic. You have to shake up your energy on a regular basis, too.

Mental and Emotional Routine

Also important is your mental and emotional state of mind, to maintain your ability to focus, lead calmly and withstand all that comes your way.

1. Morning Meditation. Most mornings I do a meditation. It depends on the time I have between exercising and work. It may be 10 or 15 minutes or up to 30 minutes. I utilize different types of meditation and change them up regularly. (I do get bored very quickly if I don’t diversify my activities.) I may do transcendental meditation one morning and a binaural audio the next. Or I may do a walking meditation outside, where I practice mindful attention to everything that surrounds me—the birds and sounds of civilization, the sights I pass, the feel of the air and my clothes and my steps, as well as the internal feel of my body, my heart rate and my own breathing patterns.

The ideas I generate during my meditation times are amazing. They can easily fill a full page of one of my journals.

2. Grounding into My Day. Another thing I do before starting my day is to make sure I’m grounded. I take a few minutes, usually in the shower, where I think about how I want my day to unfold. Typically I will name two or three things I want to accomplish during the day. (It doesn’t mean that always happens, but I do set the intention!)

Creativity Is the Key to Productivity and Resilience

Now you know a little more about me and how my daily routine helps me to be so energetic—by eating well, exercising, and aligning my mind and spirit. This routine provides the energy necessary for me to continue to grow and evolve as a person, too. It helps me produce and be creative.

Creativity is the key for me. It is in the creative realm that I find most of my energy. If I’m too tired, or I don’t exercise, or if my mind is not clear, then I cannot produce anything. If I can’t create, that in turn becomes a challenge that drains me even further. I feel unaccomplished and unfulfilled, unable to deliver the best of who I can be.

What do you do to keep your energy up? Share your favorite energy-charging activity in the comments. How do you maintain or improve your energy levels? Have you tried any of the activities I’ve mentioned?

If you have any challenges with maintaining your energy levels or your health routine, feel free to connect with me. An important part of leadership is maintaining your energy in order to be a healthy example for others. I would be happy to share insights related to energy leadership and productivity with you. That’s the value of coaching.

I’d love to see you formalize a routine that constantly replenishes your energy instead of leaving you feeling drained. Then you can most effectively help others while reaching your own goals and making a difference.

 

In my executive coaching work with corporate leaders as well as with business owners and entrepreneurs, I’ve noticed that women appear to have less confidence in their ability to deliver results than men do. Women seem to have set the bar higher for themselves than men do for many of their activities.

On top of that, women don’t seem to ask for feedback as much as men, either. As a result, they are not exposed to as much constructive feedback and can’t grow from it. Men seem to be constantly asking, “How am I doing? What can I do better tomorrow?” I see men taking chances doing things they don’t know how to do in order to get ahead and learn new skill sets. This is a strategy that creates mobility and growth, so it’s important to be able to ask for useful feedback and deal with it well.

Good Feedback Opens Growth and Opportunities

When women were interviewed in a recent study about what they feel limits them in applying for a new job position, their answer was that they couldn’t check off every single requirement box listed on the job description. Women tend to want to have 100% of those skills before they apply.

Men, on the other hand, will apply for a new job when they only have about 60% of the boxes checked. For those required skills beyond the 60%, they simply assume they can learn them or that they’ll figure out how to make it work. Men will also investigate a new job more or talk to their buddies or peers to find out how the job works and whether they could fit into or accomplish that role.

I don’t see women doing that as much. They seem to be shyer about explaining or “bragging” about what they know or what they do really well. Men have no complexes about sharing what they know or even sharing what they don’t know yet are willing to learn.

From my experience, I believe one source of this difference in approaches comes from the fact that females don’t receive feedback as much. Nor do women solicit feedback as much as men.

This study I read also reported that the feedback women tended to receive was vague or unhelpful. Most of the time, the feedback women got was given about their character, rather than their performance! That non-performance focus alone creates impediments to growth. Character in ingrained, but performance can be improved. Feedback should always focus on performance and things you can change.

The Challenge: How Do You Ask for Feedback?

I would like to challenge you, whether you are a man or a woman, to consider how you are asking for feedback. Consider how you want to ask for feedback and what type of feedback you want to receive. I’d like to encourage women to ask for feedback specific to their performance, and to pay attention (and ask again) if you receive comments on your character or emotional state.

For all of us, constructive feedback can advance our career and help us grow as a person. When asking for feedback, ask exactly for the feedback you want, so you won’t get unhelpful comments. Ask, “How was my performance at the symposium?” Or, “How did I do on that project?” instead of the vague “please give me feedback.” If you are looking at a new job, you can ask, “How do you think I would perform in this position, based on this part of the job description?” WIth specific questions, you can get specific feedback that is helpful for your evolution.

Finally, pay attention to the positive feedback. Sometimes people share more feedback than you need, or they focus on the one thing that was negative when everything else was good. This is simply how human beings work. We make a mountain or monster out of that one wrong thing, and we forget about all the other good things that people have said about us: that we’re effective, that we’re supportive, that we’re empowering. Pay attention to the positive feedback too. It’s important to know what makes you good at what you do.

Frustrating Feedback? Emotions Can Be Managed

The next challenge is to work on your ability to receive feedback constructively. Women, if you do receive feedback stating that you were too emotional, you don’t have to take it as a bad thing. Consider what kind of emotion made people uncomfortable and try to challenge this.

A few years ago, one of my clients was seriously impaired by experiencing emotions at work. Each time she wanted to make a point in meetings, she felt like she was about to cry. As a result, she never provided critiques or requested feedback because she was afraid of bursting into tears. Working with a professional coach helped her iron this out.

We evaluated the meaning of being emotional. We talked about how her boss and her male peers were using their emotions, too, sometimes by raising their voices or hitting the table or desk. When she realized that her tears were actually expressing frustration, and were not an innate weakness, and when she saw that men were also expressing frustration (though not through tears), she gained a new perspective.

What she saw was that emotions simply trigger or cause an action: crying for her, hitting the table for a colleague. And with coaching, she came to know that emotions can be managed, and that she had the power to choose her response. And she did. After that, she had the best “difficult” conversation she had ever had at work, without crying.

Emotions Indicate Something Deeper

Success comes when you can own the emotions you are feeling and then choose how to respond to them. It empowers you. In this way, your emotional reaction becomes a flag you can use to notice that something is going on with either your values or within yourself. It might be that you don’t want to respond right now. Or you might be reacting based on past experiences.

Try that concept out: consider emotions as a trigger or a flag for something else, something deeper, rather than a weakness. When you can own your emotions and manage your reaction to them, you can move forward in your career and your life.

We all have emotions. When a man is hitting the table or raising his voice, he is having an emotion and expressing it. Crying is just another type of reaction to an emotion that might be frustration, anger, guilt, or something equally as valid as the emotion that inspired the pounding.

Men and women may simply express and react to emotions differently. That’s the key to understanding emotions at work.

Even at home, when you receive emotional feedback from your kids or spouse, don’t take it personally. Instead, try to assess: what is the trigger underlying the emotions being expressed? Then you can respond in a way that will empower both of you rather than limit you.

 

I’d like to share a lesson I learned from my very first job, in France. It is a lesson that taught me about integrity and bias, and about keeping a positive attitude and smile on my face in a difficult situation while treating people fairly.

I was a supermarket cashier, working for a large European grocery chain. My job was to assist customers and check them out. As part of my job, I often had to ask customers for ID. That was the procedure; I did it with every customer. Yet I remember one day when a lady became very upset with me for requesting her ID. She accused me of mistreating her and asking for the ID only because she was black.

I was totally stunned. Not because of what she was saying, but that she was accusing me. My dad is black, and, although I am clearly light-skinned, I never imagined someone would accuse me of being biased against a black person!

Emotions Managed

What I learned then, when I was 18, is that people have sometimes a defensive mindset. Sometimes we make assumptions where we think people will act the way we expect them to based on what we (think we) see.

And I also learned that emotions can be managed. I smiled, looked at her, and asked her, ”Who do you think my dad is, and where do you think I am coming from?”

She said, “I don’t care about whatever you are saying. I know that today you asked for my ID because of my color.”

I told her, “I don’t want to be disrespectful, but my dad is black.”

Then she looked at me and was really intrigued. At the same time, she also was very upset and had a hard time calming down. I understand her agitation if what she thought had happened actually did—if I had been prejudiced.

But that was not the case at all.

Seeing Beyond Bias to What Is Really Happening

The woman in my line had to really challenge herself to see what was actually happening.

I realized, too, that she had come to her assumptions about cashiers asking for her ID based on her life experiences and the environment she had lived in, which is totally understandable. I know many people of different backgrounds, religions, color and other appearances have been treated poorly in similar situations.

At some point, however, we all have to learn to challenge our beliefs and our assumptions. We must challenge our own, biased interpretations of a situation to make sure that we are truly accepting the current moment for what it is.

What a great learning situation. It was really uncomfortable for me because I didn’t know if I had actually done something wrong or said something that might have triggered this woman.

At the same time, I learned that assumptions and interpretations sometimes create conflicts or undesirable situations.

Another Lesson of Cultural Bias

How can we each take the opportunity  to really assess what’s going on, to put new lenses on instead of using the lenses of the defensive mode or aggressiveness?

I’m guilty of bias too. I noticed it when returning regularly to France to visit. We have a sort of pessimistic mindset in France where people will complain about many things and other people. In visiting from the US (where there is less of this attitude), I saw myself falling back into my culture of origin, back into this complaining mode. Complaining about people not smiling, about people not asking me how I was doing…

Finally I realized that I was biased. One time, I became aggressive and defensive with somebody based on a situation that happened to me in the past in France. I made the assumption that I would have the same experience, but it was not the same. I gained the gift of seeing my own distorted view.

Catch Yourself & Put on New Lenses

Happily, now, more and more, I can catch myself in my biases. Each time I go home I enjoy people so much, exactly as they are. Yes, some people complain, but more and more I see something other than whining.

Because of these experiences, I can erase the assumptions people have and the assumptions I have, to create a new experience. A more real, more positive experience.

And when you create experiences that are positive, what happens? You attract more of them!

I hope you enjoyed my story of learning as an 18-year-old about biases. I learned that we all have the opportunity in every experience to set our assumptions to the side and to re-examine the situation to see it in a new light.

Does this happen to you? Can you find biases in your life, perhaps lurking in your assumptions or past experiences?

If a situation of bias does happen, please just smile, catch yourself, and say, “OK, let me reset, change my lenses to new ones, and look again at this experience in a way that will be fulfilling for all the parties involved.”

After you practice this, it will come more easily until it comes automatically.

Have a great day!

Not everyone who presents themselves to the world as a coach makes it successfully. And the last thing you want to do is to choose a coach who ends up breaking off your relationship in the middle. There are three factors I have observed in my peers that I believe underlie many of the failures in our industry. The good news is that you can interview your coach to help avoid these issues.

Failure happens in every industry. In law school, for instance, some make it to become a lawyer and others do not. Hopefully every failure is a learning experience all around. If we are lucky, we can learn from others’ failures. Here are three ways I see coaches struggle.

1. A Lack of Specialized Training

Being a coach can be emotionally challenging. You are of course involved with your clients in their professional lives. Yet you often end up becoming involved in their personal life as well, because that is (of course) affecting their work life.

In the confidence of a coaching session, clients sometimes share deeply personal information with you that they may not even share with their spouse or close family members. They may be experiencing deep stress and talk about those challenges, including shame, guilt and other chalenging issues.

By working with this information from a neutral place, we as coaches can help our clients understand that emotions can be managed, and then help them do exactly that. We can guide our clients to move forward and create meta-plans that can help reach their goals. This is what coaching is great at: reaching new goals.

Yet, I’ve seen that when a coach lacks training, or is unable to establish a detached yet compassionate involvement, that coach cannot create this environment of deep trust. They cannot create a healthy boundary that says you are the coach, not the friend, and you are facilitating the conversation for a purpose. And that can backfire in the relationship.

If coaches can’t establish this healthy kind of link, trust suffers. When a client trusts less, unfortunately, they don’t get the results they want to see. The client may even feel like they could have talked to a friend instead of hiring that coach. That’s not good for the client or for the viability of that coach’s practice.

2. Solopreneuring Is Another Set of Skills

Another noticeable factor in coaching is that 92% of all coaches are solopreneurs, hanging out their shingle alone. That means only 8% have decided to work together and create an organization or supportive group working environment.

Many coaches are altruistic. (Not all of them, unfortunately, but overall, yes.) They want to bring coaching to people and help them, but they are not necessarily equipped or trained to be entrepreneurs and build and run a full business. It’s a special set of skills that don’t just drop down out of the sky.

For many coaches, It’s easy to feel overwhelmed, especially at first in the business-building phase. I’ve seen coaches struggle to create a personal brand. I’ve seen them believe they don’t need to knock on doors and get out to meet people to build a successful business.

Unfortunately, because of this lack of understanding of what it takes to build a resilient business, few coaches build their practice up until they are able to make enough money to live on. Eventually, they need to move on and do something else.

3. Not Getting Coaching Themselves

Finally, I have noticed that coaches who fail are often not working with coaches themselves. That’s an important action to take, especially when you are in this type of advisory position, to lead by example.

It an important question of how authentic a coach is and where their intentions are aligned. Are they selling coaching services to clients when they are not themselves willing to invest to get the same type of coaching and work on the same kinds of results?

Coaches understand the value of coaching, and it should be one of the first resources they reach for. (Especially for point #2, when building a business from scratch!)

Getting coaching yourself isn’t about looking good, but about being able to work on your own challenges to reach your goals and become the best coach you can be. It’s about being in integrity.

Solutions

There are so many ways coaches can overcome these three challenges and reach the next level. I chose to go through a certification process, for example, which took one year. Then I went through an additional credentialing process. Credentialing required that I continue to educate myself, grow, and experience coaching myself through a mentor coaching process. And I have continued these practices ever since.

Since I opened my coaching business, I have repeatedly invested in myself. I have had a coach every year for about 6-9 months of the year, to work on specific aspects of my business or mindset, or to work on personal development.

That coaching is what has helped me to still be here with you today. It has helped me have the resilience and persistence to be an excellent coach and to become successful, supporting many clients today as I continue to grow myself and my business.

The coaches that fail are not bad people. In your industry, you can probably think of people that were not successful yet were well-intentioned. It does mean that at some point they will have to become aware of their own shortcomings with regard to what they want to accomplish. Once they know that, they can equip themselves with the right tools, the right resources, and the right mindset and the environment to make themselves successful again. Hopefully, they will get a little coaching to make a smooth change or transition.

Have You Failed Recently?

If you feel that you have failed in some way in the past, I know the feeling. I have felt the same at many points in my life. Each of those “failures” are stepping stones or pebbles that help us get to the next level… if we accept the opportunity.

If you feel stuck, you have many options for moving forward. You can find a mentor, talk to a friend, create a brainstorming session with your team or with a family member, or hire a coach. It’s important to find the resources you need to continue to grow and make yourself successful. You’ll be glad you did.